By Hon. Angela C. Robinson
I think that the factor that has the most influence on whether a mediation fails or succeeds is whether the parties are truly listened to and heard. When parties feel heard, when their intentions and motivations are clearly received and fairly interpreted, then mediation can be successful, even when neither side gets all that they want. As an added benefit, the parties tend to have more positive feelings about the process and about their representatives.
Active listening requires skill and more than merely “hearing” the words. Deep listening requires wanting to hear for understanding and receiving information non-defensively. Purposeful, productive listening requires one to suspend one’s ideas and beliefs in order to receive and comprehend those of others. It takes effort not to limit or inhibit other’s ability to speak and be heard.
Listening requires understanding the meaning intended and to apply that understanding to the specific contexts. The meaning is as important – more important – as the stated claims. Active listening also requires according each declarant a level of respect and human dignity. It says to the speaker, “I see and hear you as a valuable human being and I am going to give you the attention and focus you deserve.” Therefore, a good mediator uses the listening skill as much or more than the skill of oration. A good mediator knows how to listen and how to “W.A.I.T.” – i.e., to contemplate “why am I talking?”
I spent decades honing this skill and I believe it is my super-power. It takes tremendous energy, focus and intention. It has been well worth the effort. Listening has allowed me to interpret the positions of the parties even when they are not clearly communicated. Listening has helped me mediate matters to facilitate agreements that some thought not possible at the beginning.
To me, it is not the prestige, reputation, pedigree or background of the mediator that is the special ingredient. In my experience, the most effective mediators are the ones who are able to fade into the background as they listen, in order to highlight and uplift the voices of parties. Real disputes require real listeners.
Listening makes the difference between a carefully, mutually agreed upon, resolved dispute and a litigated one.
If you have questions about mediation or are interested in learning more about how a professional mediator, such as myself, can help move you or your client’s dispute closer to final resolution, please reach out. I have ideas, techniques and suggestions.